"Welcome to the Friday night Murderdome folks! I'm your host, Mickey Cantor, here with my co-host Spuds McKinley. Say hi to the viewers at home, Spuds!
"Sup b*tches!"
"We're here to give you the play by play of the most insane adrenaline fueled competition on planet Rouger: The Murderdome!"
"Ya know Mick, I always thought it was weird they named it the Murderdome when no actual murdering takes place in the dome.
"Right you are Spuds. At least not since that unfortunate incident last year with those Volus strippers in the back locker room!"
"I didn't even know the Volus had strippers!"
"Neither did I Spuds, neither did I....."
"Anyway, what we have here is good wholesome mech on mech violence that's fun for the whole family! Two teams of three mech pilots go in to the dome, one team comes out! But for the squeamish, don't worry, Murderdome regulations have each pilot encased inside their mechs in a pod that is harder to get into than a nun's pants on Easter Sunday!"
"Interesting way to put it, Spuds! The round ends when one team has completely disabled or destroyed the mechs of their opponents. We take you now the the match currently in progress pitting the current Murderdome champions, Team Wild Card, lead by "Rocket Man" Rick Steiner, against Team Blitzkreig, headed by Wilhelm Strauss. And things are not looking good right now for our current champions."
The poorly named "Murderdome" was a massive arena built into an old and used up quarry on the outskirts of New Arcadia, Tobias' section of the city. Tobias realized the people of New Arcadia needed some sort of excitement, and rather than have wholesale human slaughter on the vid screens, he opted for something a bit more sporting. The Murderdome started out with people pitting modified Atlases against Atlases, which soon boomed into a planet wide spectacle with pilots designing and building their own mechs from the ground up.
The vid cameras shifted to a scene inside the dome. Three mechs were huddled behind a large protruding rock structure as it was being blown away, bit by bit, by three slowly approaching mechs.
"Suck on it you bratwurst loving f*cknut!" Rick shouted as his mech popped up from the rock formation and fired dual volleys of rockets from his mech's shoulder mounted pods. Without time to lock on to his target, however, the projectiles missed their mark, exploding around his opponents but otherwise causing minimal damage.
"Sit the f*ck down, Rick. We need a plan!" Malcolm shouted across the com channels from inside his hulking and heavily armored mech.
"Well, I think I just wasted the last of my rockets."
"Great, way to go fearless leader. Trigger happy dumba*s" A female voice sounded on the channel.
"What? You got a better plan Lilah?"
"Yeah, we make our way up to that ridge and knock some of those boulders on their asses." Lilah responded.
"Alright lady and gentleman. You break for the cliff. I'll catch their attention!" Malcom said as his mech jetted out from the side of the formation, leveling it's colossal gattling cannon off at the approaching team. The barrels spun up and a sound erupted from the barrels that was akin to an angry farting god. And Malcom began spewing a torrent of destruction at the enemy.
"Time to go!"
'Looks like team Wildcard is on the move!'
"That they are Spuds! We'd like to take the time now to remind those in the stands that throwing high explosives on the field is strictly prohibited in the stadium's family section.
"Not cool brah, not cool."
"Do they actually think this stupid a*s plan is going to work?" Wilhelm shouted on his team's channel. "Issac, Emile, cut down that fat bastard, I got the two on the right." And with that two mechs began focusing fire on Malcolm. Even with his absurd one man barrage and heavy armor, it wasn't long before the knees of his mech were blown out by enemy fire and his mech fell to the ground disabled.
Wilhelm aimed his 120mm sniper cannon at Lilah's fleeing mech. He snapped back the trigger, and with a monumental boom, a shell tore through the arena and into the side of her mech. It tumbled backwards as alarms and sirens blared in her ****pit.
"Oh and the "Ice Queen" Lilah Davion takes a big hit. I don't think she's getting up from that one.
"She's laid out on the ground like a drunk sorority girl at an open bar!"
"Sh*t, Rick, I'm down. I have to bail!" Lilah shouted as she yanked the mech's ejection lever. Her pilot's pod was instantly shot out of the chassis and skyward above the arena. But her sacrifice gave Rick enough time to hide within the clifftop.
"Oh, things aren't looking good for the Rocket Man. It's 3 on 1 now!"
"I haven't seen a situation this hopeless since that time I did red sand with an Asari prostitute and tried to rob a liquor store!"
"What?"
Back in the arena things were eerily calm.
"Keep an eye out, he's up there somewhere." Wilhelm ordered over the com. "Come out Rick! Best just to make this quick and easy!" He blared out on his mech's external speakers.
"That's not what your mother said last night kraut for brains!" At that moment Rick's mech appeared on a cliff side with it's shotgun aimed at the ground. And with a few volleys from its barrel, a massive rock slide tore down the cliff at the unsuspecting team Blitzkreig. Boulders the size of skycars smashed into the mechs, burying them under their tremendous weight and instantly disabling all three.
"Oh and there goes the upset! In a fantastic move the Rocket Man has managed to take all three of team Blitzkreig's mechs out!
"Rick Steiner just made Wilhelm Strauss pull up his lederhosen and sent him crying back to his mommy!"
Rick's mech slid down the cliff side and strutted up to the now defunct mech of Wilhelm. And he began to bounce up and down atop the mech's head.
"Looks like the Rocket Man is giving Strauss the victory teabag!"
"Well there you have it! The still undefeated champions of the Murderdome, Team Wild Card! We at the Murderdome would like to remind those of you watching at home that a recent statistical study showed that your chances of being kidnapped and sold into slavery increases by 3500% every time you exit the walls of New Arcadia. Stay safe out there."
"Slavery? Reminds me of the time I was chained to the bed of an Asari dominatrix and had...."
"I don't even want to know. Well folks, its been a night to remember, but we are out of time. I'm Mickey Cantor!"
"And I'm Spuds McKinley."
"And on behalf of all of us here at the Murderdome, good fight, goodnight!"
(This is what happens when I watch too much Titanfall footage and it reminds me of my days playing Mechwarrior.)
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